"So, how are things with school?" That's what everyone asks us. It's a simple question, the grown-ups will ask us because they have nothing else to say. They want to start a conversation or make us feel included, so they'll pose this question - one that I have never had anything to answer with. If it was any other year, I would've brushed it off too. "It's fine" or "It's going well," or maybe if it's exam season "It's busy right now", the usual answers when the grown-ups try to hold a conversation. But this isn't any other year, no it's 2020-One.
Now, every time someone asks me the words get stuck. Maybe I'll give the same response - "It's fine", "It's going well" but in my head, I'm thinking of the next Teams call I'll have to join (and ignore). I won't say anything different because I don't know how to say it. How do you slip the sheer torture of virtual learning into casual dinner conversation? There's no way to tell them how exhausting calls are, or why online learning is harder. Most of the time, I don't really know why either. Yes, I suppose it's the same, I also know the entire world is doing it right now but I understand that everyone is struggling, no one is the same.
"We're fine"
"School's good"
"A little busy right now"
Last March our school told us that they were going to try to continue as normal. They convinced us that it was the way to go. A year later, I'm wondering why we had to continue as normal. Why couldn't we pause and take a breath. Try to figure out if this would really work. Now they yell at my class (through a computer screen) about the work we haven't been doing. We sit on the other side. scrolling through our phones trying to ignore the noise, not theirs but our own because we know what we haven't been doing. We know why too and we could explain it to you if you'd let us.
All I need is some compassion. Not the fake, politically correct kind which starts with "I know things are hard right now...", if you know do something about it. Don't say that and then give us an essay to complete or a test in a week or tell us how much we've been slacking. Tell us it's okay to miss a few deadlines, tell us we're 17 and we don't need to have our life figured out, tell us it's not the end of the world. I'm tired of pretending I have it under control. The truth is, I cry after submitting an essay these days because I know I could've done better but I didn't. I'm not okay with feeling not good enough anymore. I want to feel alive, as alive as I can. I want to be a teenager. I want to scream.
Screaming is hard because people take as anger. Maybe I'm angry but I'm sad too.
We don't scream at our teachers. Maybe it's because we know they're struggling too. We text each other our problems, we curse at our teachers and swear we're not going to complete these task. Then we switch tabs and get to work. That's life right now. From one screen to the next. From one call to another. I've spent my 11th grade like this. I was supposed to be out, having fun, being reckless. I had sworn I would break a few rules this year. The only rule I've broken is writing this blog when I should be in class.
It's trivial, but I'm owning it anyway. I am writing this during class because I thought it was more important. I thought I need things to change, and did the best thing I could think of. I've tried to describe as things are. Now tell me if I'm right or wrong.
loved it 💓