Two Decades

What is it about birthdays that make us reflect so much? We place so much importance on one day as if it's a testament to the life we’ve made. Strange, the things we believe. But it's magical too. So even if it's childish and irrelevant, we can keep one day for ourselves. When everyone just has to treat us special.

When I turned 10, I made a big deal about turning a decade old. So much so, that my dad wrote it on my cake, “Our decade-old daughter,” it said. Now, a decade has passed since then. I don’t think anyone believes I'm a 20-year-old, not me, not my parents and my friends insist I don’t seem like one. But how can anyone determine when one seems like a certain age? In some ways, I’ve felt 30 since I was 12, and in others, I haven't grown up since middle school. At 20, if there’s one feeling I can define it’s that age seems arbitrary and unrelated to how life actually goes.

On the other hand, I also know that this will be the most eventful decade of my life. So far life was in easy mode, but now I have to go out and do adult things that looked fun on Friends but I doubt it's exactly like that. I’m still excited. Still apprehensive. Still curious. Still hopeful. In this decade, I have things to learn and a life to build. I have to make mistakes, but not let criticism become a part of my skin. I have to let my teenage scars heal. I have to love the right people and love them the right amount.

By 30, my life will be unrecognizable. This much I know. The only thing I want for myself at 20 is the wisdom to take the right steps to make the life I want. When another decade goes by, or two I want to be proud of what I did and satisfied that I did it right.

Two years ago, a friend and I had discussed the nature of knowledge. She said knowledge is like an infinite spiral, the more you know the more you understand you don’t know. I had forgotten this pearl of philosophy until a teacher mentioned it in class this year. I realized what she meant, we keep growing up and realizing things and we also understand how much we have yet to learn. While before this thought would’ve terrified me, now it entices me. If life is an infinite spiral, let it be one of endless discovery and new experiences. The more I live, the more I realize how much I want to.

I’ve always felt that I want to live a life with no regrets. It seemed like the worst possible outcome to life. But now I realize that it will always exist. I’ll have things I want to get rid of, people I miss, situations I wish I could change but as long as it doesn’t end too badly I know I can also get over those things.

I’m not only 20. I’m also every single version of me that existed before. I’m the 18 year old who danced at her party. I’m the 15 year old who was terrified of her new school. I’m the 11 year old who was obsessed with Barbie. And I’m still the 10 year old who loved being a decade old.

Thank you to everyone who has helped me build this life. To my parents for giving me everything I could wish for. To my friends for being the best support system. To the people, I love for loving me back. To everyone who has ever made me happy, I’ll always be grateful.

Life is strange but it works out. I hope the next decade is the best for all of us.